Four weeks today

Where oh where have the last 4 weeks gone??? I am still so devestated and hurt that my beautiful Mama was taken home to God. We received the autopsy results yesterday. She did not have meningitis. She died from respiratory failure, congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema. She did have a hemorrage of the brain, which we knew as both her pupils had dilated and did not return to normal the night before we turned the ventilator off. I feel as if there is this great big empty hole inside of me. I would love to hug Mom one more time, hear her yell at me one more time. I am not angry at God or Mom. I am angry at the hospital staff, the doctors and everyone else who said her personality changes were of no concern and that her diminished level of consciousness was because she simply did not want to get up and get better. I guess they were wrong. She simply could not get up and get better. I am going to have my doctor review the report with me and then think long and hard about going to see a lawyer.

On a brighter note, I do not have to have any girlie parts treatment. Well, I am 99% certain that I do not have to have any. I will know in about 6 weeks. My girlie test in February came back clean, and if this last one from this week comes back clean, than I can go back to my regular routine of once a year instead of every 6 months.

On an every more brighter note, Mack gets to return to civilization and his family next week. So, I am hoping that on September 1st we will be able to watch HK together. It is not so much fun without him. It actually depresses me. We haven't missed a single episode or season in 2 years.... **sniffle sniffle**...

His brother Chad had a daughter in July. A few days before Mack left for wherever he is overseas. I think that I should file a complaint with the military about sending him overseas during HK season... hahaha...

Well, that's about all I have to write about... Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD???

I am sitting here wondering where the last 27 days have gone. It seems like just yesterday that Mom passed yet it has been 27 days. I went to the cemetery on Friday night, hoping that it would make things easier but it just made everything just that much more real to me. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to live without Mom, I don't know where to turn when I want to tell Mom something important and exciting. My mind never shuts down, I hardly sleep, I cry and I grief. I mourn for the loss of a wonderful mother, a gorgous woman and a loving friend.

I went to the cemetery on Friday night with Sandy. Wow, that was difficult. I had not realized just how hard it would be. I wanted to lie down on her site and cry. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, I wanted to hear her tell me she loves me just one more time. I know she was there in spirit. Sandy and I had fun making fun of Nan and Gramp about having Aunt Amy (Sandy's Mom) a very short 4 months after they had been married...lol...

I had a nice chat with Mack last night. It was great to unload on him... The one person I trust enough to unload on is no longer talking to me apparently. I have heard from him once in the last month... Great friend eh? Mack says he's a loser and that's what Mack has been telling me for 2 years now... I didn't realize how much this person's friendship truly meant to me until he stopped talking to me this past month or so... So on this issue, I will agree with Mack, this person is a loser.

Mack also told me it was far too early in the morning in Cyprus to have a deep meaningful conversation with him...lol... Hey, I needed to talk something out and ask a man's opinion on certain things... Mack also told me that I cannot do anything about someone's feelings for me... And that includes someone telling me that he or she loves me when he or she should not.

Well, that's about it... Oh wait no, Tammy got a new job. I am so excited for her. I know she'll do well and enjoy every moment of it.

So, til next time, enjoy and be safe.

LIFE GOES ON...OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TOLD

When I updated my blog a month ago, I did not expect life to change drastically. I did not expect my Mom to pass away. On July 21st, the family and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide when to turn the ventilator off, watch my beautiful Mama slowly fade away and be taken home to God, Nanny and Grampie. There are no words to describe the pain, emptiness and ache inside of me. My heart will never be whole again. My Mom had a hard life. She was just a baby herself bringing me into this world. At fifteen years of age my mother found herself pregnant and alone. She chose not to take the easy road by having an abortion or giving me up for adoption. She instead chose the hardest road by giving me life and giving me all of her love. She was an amazing woman, a wonderful mother and someone I will always love, respect and honour. My heart is shattered into a million little pieces and will never be repaired. Everyone says that time heals all wounds but right now I cannot see this wound healing.

As next of kin, my responsibilities did not end with the funeral. I still have to deal with the paperwork, still deal with cancelling all of her appointments, shutting down her accounts, everything. I await for the autopsy results and my Aunt Amy, Mom's oldest sibling, will be there with me when they are available. We will know at that point exactly the cause of Mom being taken from us at the tender age of 50.

I am very thankful for all the family and friends I have. Everyone of them have been there for me, supporting me, holding me up, helping me up, making sure that my depression does not grab hold of me and take me into the depths of it. My heart and soul ache to hug Mom just one more time, to have her yell at me just one more time, to tell her I do love her just one more time. Never can anyone replace her. I have some wonderful women in my life who can be there as a mom but no one can replace her.

My beautiful niece, Nikita started a group on facebook in memory of Mom. So many wonderful people have commented, leaving funny stories about Mom, memories, everything. If ever you want to take a look, feel free, here is the link http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=logo#/group.php?gid=102451606867&ref=mf .

I am lucky to have had such an amazing mother, even more lucky for having everyone who loved her love me in return. We had an amazing service for her. She was surrounded in red, everyone who attended the service was wearing red, had a piece of red on or was carrying something red. Red being Mom's favorite colour and her always wanting a red bedroom but never having the money to have one. I know she was looking down upon us all as we shared our grief, our love, our souls and our memories of her that day.

Before the tears really begin to fall, I am going to end this with one final thing. Never again will there be a woman as amazing as my Mom. Even if you didn't know her personally or like her, you had to respect her for who she was, what she accomplished and what she stood for. She was well respected and even more so loved. RIP my beautiful Mama. I love and miss you more with each passing breath and heartbeat.