IT IS DONE, IT IS OVER

After much thought and even more tears, I sent an email off to Nelson. I told him exactly what I think of him and then proceeded to block and delete him from both facebook and MSN. One door closes and another opens. He was the only person I trusted 100% with everything inside of me and he has turned out to be the worst kind of friend. I do not need a fairweather friend, I need a friend who will stick with me through thick and through thin. Like I told Sandy last night, even when Mack was overseas, with a 6 hour difference between us, HE managed to find time to email me, come on MSN and had his mother pray for our family in July when my life went to hell in a hand basket. Nelson hasn't even had enough respect for me as a person to so much as speak to me for more than a few minutes. Of course there are people who would have told me that my friendship with him would end badly since he didn't even have enough respect for me as a person to tell his fiancee about me. So, FUCK him. I do not need a fairweather friend.

On a brighter note, my friend Jellybean is 6 weeks along. I am so happy for her. She is such an amazing mom and will continue to be one. She leaves in 2 weeks for Ottawa for a minimum of 5 years... Effin military...lol...

Well, I don't have much else to write about tonight. I am going to make myself a snack and go to bed. I have had a long week, some good some bad parts... The good parts were spending time with my chicklettes, listening to Brookie giggle, read and have fun brightened my day, lightened my soul and made my heart overflow with love.

So, til next time, be safe and enjoy.

Maybe one day I will find peace in my soul, maybe one day the world be alright, maybe one day I will be able to face the day without needing happy pills. Until that day arrives, I will continue to live minute by minute.

I spent Saturday night at outpatients. I had a 4 day old migraine that just would not quit. I finally came to the end of my rope and arranged a drive. I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours and finally I got fed up with waiting and said to the clerk, "I either need to see a doctor or I have to go home. The noise is making everything worse, I am starting to see black spots in front of my vision and the pain is now behind my eyes." The clerk went and got a nurse who took me out back and attempted to hook me up to an IV. When I say attempted, that is exactly what I mean. Right hand, blew the vein, left hand blew the vein, left arm blew the vein, finally I asked that she put it in my foot and voila she hit the vein dead on and I finally had the drugs flowing through my veins.

I woke up Sunday morning fine but by yesterday I was even worse than when I went to outpatients. Far too many people came to visit and too much noise bothers me, it makes me jittery and want to throw myself out of the nearest window. I finally ran to the bathroom and hid in the shower for a while. I guess people do not understand when I say "I have a migraine and cannot handle all this noise".

The man who adopted me and was married to my mom wants nothing more to do with me... Here is what I think about that... "So what? He hasn't wanted anything to do with me for years. All he does is order me around, make me feel as if I am his slave and belittle me and my feelings."... So, good riddance to bad rubbish. I do not have the time, the energy or the will to do will anyone else. I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own personal demons without adding more to the list.

So, next Tuesday I have a procedure scheduled. A colonoscopy with biopsies. I am beginning to worry and focus too much on it. Dr. Winsor is certain that I have microscopic colitis. Hopefully she is right and I can get on the proper medications to control it. It would be nice not to have to worry about every little morsel of food I put into myh mouth.

On Sunday my little brother showed up with his daughter for a surprise visit with Auntie Liz. It was so great to hold her, cuddle her and talk to her without worrying about her mother hearing every word, watching every move. Brenton will soon be having her 3 days one week and 4 days the next. It will be court ordered therefore the mother cannot tell him he is not allowed to have time with Jaida.

Well that's about it I guess. I don't have much more to say. So, take a look at my other blog http://elizabeth-munroe.spaces.live.com/default.aspx and that is where you will find the most up to date information on my life... I will be posting the exact message to it as I have here. I do not have the time nor the inclination to attempt at another blog entry.

Four weeks today

Where oh where have the last 4 weeks gone??? I am still so devestated and hurt that my beautiful Mama was taken home to God. We received the autopsy results yesterday. She did not have meningitis. She died from respiratory failure, congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema. She did have a hemorrage of the brain, which we knew as both her pupils had dilated and did not return to normal the night before we turned the ventilator off. I feel as if there is this great big empty hole inside of me. I would love to hug Mom one more time, hear her yell at me one more time. I am not angry at God or Mom. I am angry at the hospital staff, the doctors and everyone else who said her personality changes were of no concern and that her diminished level of consciousness was because she simply did not want to get up and get better. I guess they were wrong. She simply could not get up and get better. I am going to have my doctor review the report with me and then think long and hard about going to see a lawyer.

On a brighter note, I do not have to have any girlie parts treatment. Well, I am 99% certain that I do not have to have any. I will know in about 6 weeks. My girlie test in February came back clean, and if this last one from this week comes back clean, than I can go back to my regular routine of once a year instead of every 6 months.

On an every more brighter note, Mack gets to return to civilization and his family next week. So, I am hoping that on September 1st we will be able to watch HK together. It is not so much fun without him. It actually depresses me. We haven't missed a single episode or season in 2 years.... **sniffle sniffle**...

His brother Chad had a daughter in July. A few days before Mack left for wherever he is overseas. I think that I should file a complaint with the military about sending him overseas during HK season... hahaha...

Well, that's about all I have to write about... Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD???

I am sitting here wondering where the last 27 days have gone. It seems like just yesterday that Mom passed yet it has been 27 days. I went to the cemetery on Friday night, hoping that it would make things easier but it just made everything just that much more real to me. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to live without Mom, I don't know where to turn when I want to tell Mom something important and exciting. My mind never shuts down, I hardly sleep, I cry and I grief. I mourn for the loss of a wonderful mother, a gorgous woman and a loving friend.

I went to the cemetery on Friday night with Sandy. Wow, that was difficult. I had not realized just how hard it would be. I wanted to lie down on her site and cry. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, I wanted to hear her tell me she loves me just one more time. I know she was there in spirit. Sandy and I had fun making fun of Nan and Gramp about having Aunt Amy (Sandy's Mom) a very short 4 months after they had been married...lol...

I had a nice chat with Mack last night. It was great to unload on him... The one person I trust enough to unload on is no longer talking to me apparently. I have heard from him once in the last month... Great friend eh? Mack says he's a loser and that's what Mack has been telling me for 2 years now... I didn't realize how much this person's friendship truly meant to me until he stopped talking to me this past month or so... So on this issue, I will agree with Mack, this person is a loser.

Mack also told me it was far too early in the morning in Cyprus to have a deep meaningful conversation with him...lol... Hey, I needed to talk something out and ask a man's opinion on certain things... Mack also told me that I cannot do anything about someone's feelings for me... And that includes someone telling me that he or she loves me when he or she should not.

Well, that's about it... Oh wait no, Tammy got a new job. I am so excited for her. I know she'll do well and enjoy every moment of it.

So, til next time, enjoy and be safe.

LIFE GOES ON...OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TOLD

When I updated my blog a month ago, I did not expect life to change drastically. I did not expect my Mom to pass away. On July 21st, the family and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide when to turn the ventilator off, watch my beautiful Mama slowly fade away and be taken home to God, Nanny and Grampie. There are no words to describe the pain, emptiness and ache inside of me. My heart will never be whole again. My Mom had a hard life. She was just a baby herself bringing me into this world. At fifteen years of age my mother found herself pregnant and alone. She chose not to take the easy road by having an abortion or giving me up for adoption. She instead chose the hardest road by giving me life and giving me all of her love. She was an amazing woman, a wonderful mother and someone I will always love, respect and honour. My heart is shattered into a million little pieces and will never be repaired. Everyone says that time heals all wounds but right now I cannot see this wound healing.

As next of kin, my responsibilities did not end with the funeral. I still have to deal with the paperwork, still deal with cancelling all of her appointments, shutting down her accounts, everything. I await for the autopsy results and my Aunt Amy, Mom's oldest sibling, will be there with me when they are available. We will know at that point exactly the cause of Mom being taken from us at the tender age of 50.

I am very thankful for all the family and friends I have. Everyone of them have been there for me, supporting me, holding me up, helping me up, making sure that my depression does not grab hold of me and take me into the depths of it. My heart and soul ache to hug Mom just one more time, to have her yell at me just one more time, to tell her I do love her just one more time. Never can anyone replace her. I have some wonderful women in my life who can be there as a mom but no one can replace her.

My beautiful niece, Nikita started a group on facebook in memory of Mom. So many wonderful people have commented, leaving funny stories about Mom, memories, everything. If ever you want to take a look, feel free, here is the link http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=logo#/group.php?gid=102451606867&ref=mf .

I am lucky to have had such an amazing mother, even more lucky for having everyone who loved her love me in return. We had an amazing service for her. She was surrounded in red, everyone who attended the service was wearing red, had a piece of red on or was carrying something red. Red being Mom's favorite colour and her always wanting a red bedroom but never having the money to have one. I know she was looking down upon us all as we shared our grief, our love, our souls and our memories of her that day.

Before the tears really begin to fall, I am going to end this with one final thing. Never again will there be a woman as amazing as my Mom. Even if you didn't know her personally or like her, you had to respect her for who she was, what she accomplished and what she stood for. She was well respected and even more so loved. RIP my beautiful Mama. I love and miss you more with each passing breath and heartbeat.

Meeting # 2 is now in session

Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mackaholic. He has gone overseas for 6 weeks or so. He will be returning on August 25th or so. I can, I will, I must survive this time without him. There are many things going on in my life that should keep me occupied enough that the time flies by. First, Mom's in the hospital. Today is Day 25... I had to go to Access NS with power of attorney information to get her car temporarily registered, I also paid her bills today. I woke up in a bad mood, actually I went to bed feeling loney and sad, woke up feeling even crappier, went and visited Mom for a little bit. I brushed out most of her hair, gave her some lunch and something to drink. Came home, checked my email and voila my lovely friend Ken had sent me an email wanting to know if he could come visit. He held me this afternoon and made me feel so happy. I really needed to see a friendly face to get my mind off of the crap going on inside my head. So, when he left, I went to town and did POA crap for Mom, came home... Had a bite to eat, Jean asked me to go to the liquor store for her. So, off I went to do that... Now I am home.

I can feel the depression kicking in... I am going to have to talk to Dr. Salazar about upping my celexa again. With the stress in my life I am just getting crankier and more tired. As I get crankier and more tired, my mind plays tricks on my body. My depression deepens and my ability to fight it off becomes much more difficult.

I am sitting here listening to sad, sappy love songs. ...probably should not be listening to "Stay" by Sugarland... I don't think I should be listening to sappy songs at all... I still miss him... I do hope he's happy but I see his face in every person I see when I go to Dartmouth... Sad, eh? He made my toes curl with just a look from his sparkling blue eyes... Oh yeah... I need to start thinking of other things and people... Him being Mike. I know Mack, I know. I need to get him out of my head but it's hard a times when I see people happy, in love and moving on with their lives. All I truly want is him. I regret so many things when it comes to him. I regret hurting him, I regret sending that letter but most of all I regret not giving him a chance when he wanted a second chance. I still love him, what do I do about that?

Hell's Kitchen starts again next week, this will be the first time in 3 or 4 seasons that I will not get to watch the whole season with Mack. I sure hope that Jada is taping it for you.

Well, that's about it for now. I will close this session of Mackaholics with the following:

hahahaha Chad broke the trend and gave Grandma Mack a granddaughter...hahaha... Now Jada will definitely be on your ass about another baby soon Mack.

Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mackaholic. Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

MACKAHOLICS SUPPORT GROUP IS IN SESSION AGAIN

Unfortunately I must pass along the news that Mack is going away for 6 weeks. We have talked once on MSN and a few times via email in the last 16 days, and next week he leaves for Cyprus for 6 weeks. So, I have decided to reinstate Mackaholics support group.

Meeting # 1

Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I am a mackaholic. I will be attending support group for the next 7 weeks or so. Although I no longer go through withdrawal I still feel the need to speak to him. We will only have access to each other via email but this does not seem to be good enough to help me deal with his absence.

I will be closing this session of Mackaholics with a few words of encouragement.

"Suck it up because life's a bitch and there ain't no one who would take your place, even if you were rich." --- Elizabeth Munroe

My name is Elizabeth, and unfortunately I am a Mackaholic.