IT IS DONE, IT IS OVER

After much thought and even more tears, I sent an email off to Nelson. I told him exactly what I think of him and then proceeded to block and delete him from both facebook and MSN. One door closes and another opens. He was the only person I trusted 100% with everything inside of me and he has turned out to be the worst kind of friend. I do not need a fairweather friend, I need a friend who will stick with me through thick and through thin. Like I told Sandy last night, even when Mack was overseas, with a 6 hour difference between us, HE managed to find time to email me, come on MSN and had his mother pray for our family in July when my life went to hell in a hand basket. Nelson hasn't even had enough respect for me as a person to so much as speak to me for more than a few minutes. Of course there are people who would have told me that my friendship with him would end badly since he didn't even have enough respect for me as a person to tell his fiancee about me. So, FUCK him. I do not need a fairweather friend.

On a brighter note, my friend Jellybean is 6 weeks along. I am so happy for her. She is such an amazing mom and will continue to be one. She leaves in 2 weeks for Ottawa for a minimum of 5 years... Effin military...lol...

Well, I don't have much else to write about tonight. I am going to make myself a snack and go to bed. I have had a long week, some good some bad parts... The good parts were spending time with my chicklettes, listening to Brookie giggle, read and have fun brightened my day, lightened my soul and made my heart overflow with love.

So, til next time, be safe and enjoy.

Maybe one day I will find peace in my soul, maybe one day the world be alright, maybe one day I will be able to face the day without needing happy pills. Until that day arrives, I will continue to live minute by minute.

I spent Saturday night at outpatients. I had a 4 day old migraine that just would not quit. I finally came to the end of my rope and arranged a drive. I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours and finally I got fed up with waiting and said to the clerk, "I either need to see a doctor or I have to go home. The noise is making everything worse, I am starting to see black spots in front of my vision and the pain is now behind my eyes." The clerk went and got a nurse who took me out back and attempted to hook me up to an IV. When I say attempted, that is exactly what I mean. Right hand, blew the vein, left hand blew the vein, left arm blew the vein, finally I asked that she put it in my foot and voila she hit the vein dead on and I finally had the drugs flowing through my veins.

I woke up Sunday morning fine but by yesterday I was even worse than when I went to outpatients. Far too many people came to visit and too much noise bothers me, it makes me jittery and want to throw myself out of the nearest window. I finally ran to the bathroom and hid in the shower for a while. I guess people do not understand when I say "I have a migraine and cannot handle all this noise".

The man who adopted me and was married to my mom wants nothing more to do with me... Here is what I think about that... "So what? He hasn't wanted anything to do with me for years. All he does is order me around, make me feel as if I am his slave and belittle me and my feelings."... So, good riddance to bad rubbish. I do not have the time, the energy or the will to do will anyone else. I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own personal demons without adding more to the list.

So, next Tuesday I have a procedure scheduled. A colonoscopy with biopsies. I am beginning to worry and focus too much on it. Dr. Winsor is certain that I have microscopic colitis. Hopefully she is right and I can get on the proper medications to control it. It would be nice not to have to worry about every little morsel of food I put into myh mouth.

On Sunday my little brother showed up with his daughter for a surprise visit with Auntie Liz. It was so great to hold her, cuddle her and talk to her without worrying about her mother hearing every word, watching every move. Brenton will soon be having her 3 days one week and 4 days the next. It will be court ordered therefore the mother cannot tell him he is not allowed to have time with Jaida.

Well that's about it I guess. I don't have much more to say. So, take a look at my other blog http://elizabeth-munroe.spaces.live.com/default.aspx and that is where you will find the most up to date information on my life... I will be posting the exact message to it as I have here. I do not have the time nor the inclination to attempt at another blog entry.

Four weeks today

Where oh where have the last 4 weeks gone??? I am still so devestated and hurt that my beautiful Mama was taken home to God. We received the autopsy results yesterday. She did not have meningitis. She died from respiratory failure, congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema. She did have a hemorrage of the brain, which we knew as both her pupils had dilated and did not return to normal the night before we turned the ventilator off. I feel as if there is this great big empty hole inside of me. I would love to hug Mom one more time, hear her yell at me one more time. I am not angry at God or Mom. I am angry at the hospital staff, the doctors and everyone else who said her personality changes were of no concern and that her diminished level of consciousness was because she simply did not want to get up and get better. I guess they were wrong. She simply could not get up and get better. I am going to have my doctor review the report with me and then think long and hard about going to see a lawyer.

On a brighter note, I do not have to have any girlie parts treatment. Well, I am 99% certain that I do not have to have any. I will know in about 6 weeks. My girlie test in February came back clean, and if this last one from this week comes back clean, than I can go back to my regular routine of once a year instead of every 6 months.

On an every more brighter note, Mack gets to return to civilization and his family next week. So, I am hoping that on September 1st we will be able to watch HK together. It is not so much fun without him. It actually depresses me. We haven't missed a single episode or season in 2 years.... **sniffle sniffle**...

His brother Chad had a daughter in July. A few days before Mack left for wherever he is overseas. I think that I should file a complaint with the military about sending him overseas during HK season... hahaha...

Well, that's about all I have to write about... Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

WHY IS THIS SO HARD???

I am sitting here wondering where the last 27 days have gone. It seems like just yesterday that Mom passed yet it has been 27 days. I went to the cemetery on Friday night, hoping that it would make things easier but it just made everything just that much more real to me. I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to live without Mom, I don't know where to turn when I want to tell Mom something important and exciting. My mind never shuts down, I hardly sleep, I cry and I grief. I mourn for the loss of a wonderful mother, a gorgous woman and a loving friend.

I went to the cemetery on Friday night with Sandy. Wow, that was difficult. I had not realized just how hard it would be. I wanted to lie down on her site and cry. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, I wanted to hear her tell me she loves me just one more time. I know she was there in spirit. Sandy and I had fun making fun of Nan and Gramp about having Aunt Amy (Sandy's Mom) a very short 4 months after they had been married...lol...

I had a nice chat with Mack last night. It was great to unload on him... The one person I trust enough to unload on is no longer talking to me apparently. I have heard from him once in the last month... Great friend eh? Mack says he's a loser and that's what Mack has been telling me for 2 years now... I didn't realize how much this person's friendship truly meant to me until he stopped talking to me this past month or so... So on this issue, I will agree with Mack, this person is a loser.

Mack also told me it was far too early in the morning in Cyprus to have a deep meaningful conversation with him...lol... Hey, I needed to talk something out and ask a man's opinion on certain things... Mack also told me that I cannot do anything about someone's feelings for me... And that includes someone telling me that he or she loves me when he or she should not.

Well, that's about it... Oh wait no, Tammy got a new job. I am so excited for her. I know she'll do well and enjoy every moment of it.

So, til next time, enjoy and be safe.

LIFE GOES ON...OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TOLD

When I updated my blog a month ago, I did not expect life to change drastically. I did not expect my Mom to pass away. On July 21st, the family and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We had to decide when to turn the ventilator off, watch my beautiful Mama slowly fade away and be taken home to God, Nanny and Grampie. There are no words to describe the pain, emptiness and ache inside of me. My heart will never be whole again. My Mom had a hard life. She was just a baby herself bringing me into this world. At fifteen years of age my mother found herself pregnant and alone. She chose not to take the easy road by having an abortion or giving me up for adoption. She instead chose the hardest road by giving me life and giving me all of her love. She was an amazing woman, a wonderful mother and someone I will always love, respect and honour. My heart is shattered into a million little pieces and will never be repaired. Everyone says that time heals all wounds but right now I cannot see this wound healing.

As next of kin, my responsibilities did not end with the funeral. I still have to deal with the paperwork, still deal with cancelling all of her appointments, shutting down her accounts, everything. I await for the autopsy results and my Aunt Amy, Mom's oldest sibling, will be there with me when they are available. We will know at that point exactly the cause of Mom being taken from us at the tender age of 50.

I am very thankful for all the family and friends I have. Everyone of them have been there for me, supporting me, holding me up, helping me up, making sure that my depression does not grab hold of me and take me into the depths of it. My heart and soul ache to hug Mom just one more time, to have her yell at me just one more time, to tell her I do love her just one more time. Never can anyone replace her. I have some wonderful women in my life who can be there as a mom but no one can replace her.

My beautiful niece, Nikita started a group on facebook in memory of Mom. So many wonderful people have commented, leaving funny stories about Mom, memories, everything. If ever you want to take a look, feel free, here is the link http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=logo#/group.php?gid=102451606867&ref=mf .

I am lucky to have had such an amazing mother, even more lucky for having everyone who loved her love me in return. We had an amazing service for her. She was surrounded in red, everyone who attended the service was wearing red, had a piece of red on or was carrying something red. Red being Mom's favorite colour and her always wanting a red bedroom but never having the money to have one. I know she was looking down upon us all as we shared our grief, our love, our souls and our memories of her that day.

Before the tears really begin to fall, I am going to end this with one final thing. Never again will there be a woman as amazing as my Mom. Even if you didn't know her personally or like her, you had to respect her for who she was, what she accomplished and what she stood for. She was well respected and even more so loved. RIP my beautiful Mama. I love and miss you more with each passing breath and heartbeat.

Meeting # 2 is now in session

Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mackaholic. He has gone overseas for 6 weeks or so. He will be returning on August 25th or so. I can, I will, I must survive this time without him. There are many things going on in my life that should keep me occupied enough that the time flies by. First, Mom's in the hospital. Today is Day 25... I had to go to Access NS with power of attorney information to get her car temporarily registered, I also paid her bills today. I woke up in a bad mood, actually I went to bed feeling loney and sad, woke up feeling even crappier, went and visited Mom for a little bit. I brushed out most of her hair, gave her some lunch and something to drink. Came home, checked my email and voila my lovely friend Ken had sent me an email wanting to know if he could come visit. He held me this afternoon and made me feel so happy. I really needed to see a friendly face to get my mind off of the crap going on inside my head. So, when he left, I went to town and did POA crap for Mom, came home... Had a bite to eat, Jean asked me to go to the liquor store for her. So, off I went to do that... Now I am home.

I can feel the depression kicking in... I am going to have to talk to Dr. Salazar about upping my celexa again. With the stress in my life I am just getting crankier and more tired. As I get crankier and more tired, my mind plays tricks on my body. My depression deepens and my ability to fight it off becomes much more difficult.

I am sitting here listening to sad, sappy love songs. ...probably should not be listening to "Stay" by Sugarland... I don't think I should be listening to sappy songs at all... I still miss him... I do hope he's happy but I see his face in every person I see when I go to Dartmouth... Sad, eh? He made my toes curl with just a look from his sparkling blue eyes... Oh yeah... I need to start thinking of other things and people... Him being Mike. I know Mack, I know. I need to get him out of my head but it's hard a times when I see people happy, in love and moving on with their lives. All I truly want is him. I regret so many things when it comes to him. I regret hurting him, I regret sending that letter but most of all I regret not giving him a chance when he wanted a second chance. I still love him, what do I do about that?

Hell's Kitchen starts again next week, this will be the first time in 3 or 4 seasons that I will not get to watch the whole season with Mack. I sure hope that Jada is taping it for you.

Well, that's about it for now. I will close this session of Mackaholics with the following:

hahahaha Chad broke the trend and gave Grandma Mack a granddaughter...hahaha... Now Jada will definitely be on your ass about another baby soon Mack.

Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mackaholic. Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

MACKAHOLICS SUPPORT GROUP IS IN SESSION AGAIN

Unfortunately I must pass along the news that Mack is going away for 6 weeks. We have talked once on MSN and a few times via email in the last 16 days, and next week he leaves for Cyprus for 6 weeks. So, I have decided to reinstate Mackaholics support group.

Meeting # 1

Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I am a mackaholic. I will be attending support group for the next 7 weeks or so. Although I no longer go through withdrawal I still feel the need to speak to him. We will only have access to each other via email but this does not seem to be good enough to help me deal with his absence.

I will be closing this session of Mackaholics with a few words of encouragement.

"Suck it up because life's a bitch and there ain't no one who would take your place, even if you were rich." --- Elizabeth Munroe

My name is Elizabeth, and unfortunately I am a Mackaholic.

I REFUSE TO DISCUSS THE REST OF MY TRIP

For reasons that are no longer that important, I chose to cut my trip to Ottawa short. I will not being commenting any further on it.

OTTAWA #1

I have begun my 24 day trip to Ottawa.

It started on June 6th. We were supposed to leave New Minas at 0600 but due to Jellybean's graduation running later than anticipated we ended up not getting on the 101 until 0930. We made amazing time, had great weather, waved to and gave Mack the finger on our way by CFB Gagetown in New Brunswick. I gave him the finger because his brother, Chad, sent me an offline message wishing me a great trip and Mack did not. We saw 4 moose, 1 40 foot husky and a 30 foot cow... Oh wait and one lonely tree on a farm with no other trees around it.

We got to Quebec City around 0700 and I called Cathy to get her to check mapquest.com to find out where the 138 was in relation to Cornwall on the 401 so that way when we got to Montreal I could call her and tell her to leave and she would know which way to turn when she turned onto the 401. We got to Montreal, called her, said we were about an hour and a half from Cornwall. We were just coming up to the bridge in Montreal. The traffic was at a complete stand still. Three lanes of traffic merging into one. It took us nearly half an hour to get across the bridge and to the other side of Montreal, which would normally take 15 minutes. We made great time and just as we were coming up to the 138 I noticed a new gas station. I said to Chris that I hoped Cathy was not there waiting for me as it was NOT the correct gas station.

We continued on and just as we thought we were about 1 km from the gas station that Cathy was supposed to be at, a tire blew on the trailer we were hauling behind us. This took us about half an hour to get changed. We get back on the 401 and low and behold the gas station is literally right around the corner. We piss and patter around for a while and Cathy is still no where to be seen. Finally, I decided that we should call the gas station that I had pointed out earlier. It took us another 20 minutes to get a phone number and then another 5 minutes to get through to them, after 20 rings a woman answered and I asked if she could check to see if there was a white ford escort wagon in her parking lot.. She said "one moment" to me and then I heard "Are you driving that white wagon?" I said "her name is cathy and tell her to get on the 401 going towards Toronto 15 minutes and I am at the Esso"... Divine Intervention. I firmly believe in it. I had prayed and asked God to bring us together and he did.

I fell asleep around 5AM Sunday morning and Cathy went to bed at noon when I got up. I went back to bed around 1pm and we both got up around 4:30pm and Jen and her son Josh were due at 5pm for a bbq. It was raining so we bought roasted chicken instead...lol...

Monday we went to Pierre's. He was happy to have 2 beautiful women visit him and a laptop to work on. So, my laptop is working in tip top shape.

That's it...That is all we have done...oh wait no... We went yard hopping on Monday night and ended up locked out of the house. We ended up crashing at Joanne's. So, thats it. On Sunday we are going to Upper Canada Village to the Medieval Festival and are dressing up in period costume. There will be more on that with pictures next week.

So, that's it. til next time, enjoy and be safe.

WOW NEARLY 3 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST

I did not realize how long it has been since I last posted. I don't even know where to begin.

April has come and gone... Another birthday... Mom spent most of March and April in the hospital. Finally got her sugars down to a normal number.

I am going to Ottawa for a few weeks. I have 15 more days to get packed and ready. I will be driving up with my friend Chris. We will be leaving at some stupid hour on June 6th... I can hardly wait to get my first hug from Cathy in nearly 7 years. I am also excited to see Jen and Susan... Also Jen's little boy Josh. And Jen's parents. Oh I can hardly wait.

Mack is doing alright... He got poisoned by his brother the other night. His baby, Quinlan, is teething. You can hear screams from every corner of Oromocto. :D

What else? Not a whole helluva lot.

Well, thats it... sorry... Until next time, enjoy and be safe.

McKenna says (11:40 PM): will I be in it? Elizabeth: says (11:40 PM): are you not always in it?

I have been asked nicely to update my blog. Though I am not sure what I am going to write about tonight. I am sitting here watching "The Apprentice: Celebrity" with Mack. He is at work and needs a nap. Though I have never known him to not need one. I did ask him tonight when the last time was that he was not tired. I think it was about 9 months before Caiden was born.

Evidently everyone in that family is well. I am trying to find out if Chad has proposed to his girlfriend... He keeps saying "maybe, maybe not". I have it figured out though... Chad tells mom, mom tells Jada, Jada tells Mack, Mack tells me. I have it all figured out.

I have to go see Dr. Hottie tomorrow for some drug refills and to have a mole removed from my shoulder. I am also going to get him to check out that damn itchy spot on my back that drives me absolutely insane.

Ummm what else? I changed my bedroom and livingroom around yesterday though I still have a lot of work to do in the livingroom. I am going to turn my loveseat so it is facing the door and put my big effin' chair cornered by the window so I can have a reading corner and watch the traffic at the same time.

I have a beautiful niece... A 6th one... Her name is Jaida Leigh Grace... I shall attach a picture of her when I am done this update.

Today I drank 1 pot of coffee that was caffeinated and 1 pot that was not caffeinated... I need to cut back on my coffee intake.

Well that's really all I have to say. My life is one big bore lately.

So, til next time, enjoy and be safe.

PLEASE HOLD UP MY HEART GIVE ME A REASON FOR THIS SILENCE

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise winter? Here it is nearly the 1st of March and we are expecting 50cm of snow beginning Sunday but only after we get 20mm of rain tomorrow... I will be so glad when this winter is over.

Today my grandmother would have been 70 years old if she had not of died from cancer nearly 10 years ago. I miss her so much that my heart breaks thinking of never being able to talk to her again, or having another game of cards with her. No matter how hard I tried I could not beat her at crib, I once had nearly the perfect hand playing against her. She was such a great person and so loving towards a little girl who needed to be loved.

She told me there was nothing she would not tell me if I asked her. So, I got brave one night and asked her who my real father was. She gave me his name and my grandfather said "I should have shot the son of a bitch when I had the chance". It was at that moment I realized that I did not need this man in my life was only a sperm donor. I had many great role models and this unknown man could not offer me anything as all the other male role models in my life gave me everything I needed or wanted.

I saw the eye doctor today... Apparently everything is "OK"... I guess I am stuck with asking Dr. Hottie next week to find out what the eye doctor discovered...

I do not have to have treatment on my female parts, so that's good news.

Mack is away for a while... He had to go to CFB Shearwater for something or other... I try not to ask questions so that way I do not forget anything he says that may be important...lol...

Well I am off to make popcorn and curl up to watch tv for a while... Til next time enjoy and be safe...

HMMM... WILL WINTER EVER END IN NOVA SCOTIA???

I hate winter... Especially when winter blah-ness attacks my emotions and drives me into a depression that I have no control over. At least I now recognize when I am depressed. And, I am forever grateful for knowing when I am reaching my depressed state and know how to handle those crazy thoughts that come with it. At one time I was so depressed that suicide was my only viable option. I am now of course thankful that I did not take the easy way out. I fought and clawed my way through that bad time in my life. I know a lot of people say that they are depressed but in my opinion, you are not depressed unless you have had to fight and claw your way back to happiness... You are not depressed unless you have had to depend on drugs to make you happy.

Last night I was so far down in my depression that I finally decided to do an extra workout and once those endorphins kicked in, oh yeah I was feeling good. Finally I had a smile on my face and was laughing.

There is not a whole lot going on in my life right now other than fighting my depression. I am excited that I do not have to have colon surgery, though next week I will find out if I have to go for surgery on my female parts. I have made the adult decision that if I do have to have cervical treatment I will be asking Dr. Tynski to take it all out. If I have no intentions of having babies so why should I have the parts? Makes total sense to me.

I am hoping to be asleep tonight before 3am. Lately I have been staying awake until 3 or later each night and then sleeping until well after half the day is gone. Wednesday I have to be up early and on the bus for 0730 as I need to have blood work done and then I have a breathing test I have to have done at 0930. So I probably should take my sleeping pills now and hope to fall asleep. I do have 3 more things to do before I do that. I need to do my girlie pushups, my behind the head pullups and send off my good morning email to Don.

So, until next time, enjoy and be safe.

IT'S A STRUGGLE TO FACE EACH DAY

Each day brings another moment of anguish with it. Today I realized I face yet another Valentine's Day alone. So many times I have heard women say "oh my husband, boyfriend, whatever couldn't get me flowers because he spent so much money on my new bauble"... Every time I think to myself "Hey at least you got something." Even when I was married I didn't so much as receive a fucking card from Henry. No wrong sorry, one year he did buy me a card but wrote in it that I was being a hateful bitch and that I needed to change my attitude. I think that Valentine's Day was the worst. I threw it in his face and said "thanks but no thank you." And then left to go to work for extra shifts. Figured I might as well be at work doing something constructive than be at home with a man who couldn't even be bothered to pick me a flower let alone buy me one.

I hate Valentine's Day for so many reasons. I think it is a stupid holiday made up to scam people into thinking that true love exists when true love is just a state of mind people believe they are in in order to have an excuse to scam their partners into spending money that they don't need to spend.

I am a cynical bitch these days. I no longer give a damn about anyone or anything. I realized that my mother is never going to love me and if she can't love me then no one can. I of course despise myself deep down inside where I hide all of my feelings. I smile so that people don't realize that I am an empty shell inside where a warm heart used to exist. I have nothing to give to anyone. I fake through each day, I run away when people are asking things of me that I have no way of giving.

All I can see for the future is more of the same. Being treated as an outcast by my family and being treated as nothing more than a piece of trash by the men that I gave everything I had to give. Hell if my real father couldn't be bothered to be around why should I expect the men I love to stick around, right?

As I am sitting here rereading what I have typed so far, I don't even feel so much as a single tear blinding my eye. That tells me that I no longer have the ability to love or care for anyone.

Probably wouldn't be the best time for me to get drunk, eh? Drinking seems to be the only time I actually feel happy instead of appearing to be happy. But, since my drinking buddy is no longer a part of my life, I can't even drink.

Life's a bitch eh? People say that life goes on but sometimes you just exist rather move forward. I can't seem to shake this god awful feeling that I am going to have to confront my past. Henry? Mike? Paul? I hope they are all very happy with their new women. After all they all left me with nothing more inside then the empty shell. I am no longer a warmhearted person. I hate everything.

Hey, on the good front, the last time I felt this badly about me, life and shit, I nearly committed suicide but I don't feel that way today. I just feel empty inside.

Who ever said that life was going to be full of roses was dead wrong. Roses represent love and happiness... Bullshit... Neither exist. I am hanging on with every ounce of strength I have but running away has its merits right now. I want to run and hide, not come out until the sun shines on my soul again.

I certainly hope that all of you who are suckered into believing that love exists, have a great Valentine's Day. For me, I am going to hide away from the real world.

Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

TANYA, ONLY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ASKED SO SWEETLY

OK... I wonder where to start... Ummm... Let me think... This past couple of weeks have been pure hell... From one thing to another, I am not sure how I am still functioning. My B12 levels dropped, I was cranky, irritable, absolutely stupid in the head, I went 5 days without adequate sleep, just generally having a bad health week.

I saw Dr. Hottie last week, got the B12 I so desperately needed, ummm medication refills required and necessary to survive and then we moved on to the "test from hell" results.

It seems that the issues that I have had for nearly my whole life (after careful thought, I have had these issues since I was a teenager) seem to actually have something nothing to do with my diabetes **JUMPS UP AND DOWN**... Everything gets blamed on the diabetes. I have a redundant colon (colon is longer than it should be) and I have diverticulitis (a pouch has formed on the outside of the colon)... All this means I have chronic constipation with can result in constant diarrhea. The only resolution to the problem is to have the redundant colon and diverticulum removed.

As much fun as it seems to have these issues resolved, I am scared to death to have surgery. I am not going to start worrying about it now. I see Dr. Stern on Friday and I will have the full story and full scoop on what is going to be done.

I escaped from reality and went to Dartmouth for the night last night. I went down with Jellybean and Jen. We of course found our way to Night Magic before we went anywhere else in the City. I did quite well with spending money there. I got 2 items that came to less than 20.00 **pats self on back**... We then went over to Dartmouth Crossing.

Dartmouth Crossing has grown exponentially since I moved home to the Valley. It is built like a neighborhood of houses. Two way streets, sidewalks, it reminds me of Annapolis Royal. By the time we finished in there, we realized we were short on time... Jellybean scooted me to Sobeys on Primrose. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I did not run into anyone I knew. Though as we were driving down Highfield Park Drive I did look at the face of every man I saw. Sick and sad, I know.

When we were done at Sobeys, they scooted me to The Ramada, where I waited for an hour and half for Don to arrive so he could check me into the hotel. We puttered around a while. He left to do the supper thing and my cousin Tanya came over... We had coffee together and a few good laughs. Love you girl. Then he came back, we puttered around a while longer. He went home, I stayed at the hotel, relaxed, drank a bottle of wine, eventually fell asleep around 4. Got up at 10, showered, caffeinated myself, ate a blood orange, finished getting ready to come home.

Waited til 1055 or so for Don to come back and check me out (hahaa) and he could drive me home. We had a nice drive home. Seemed like it only took 10 minutes rather than an hour. He took me out for lunch, got back here just as Tammy was leaving (she stayed and babysat Jean, Toby and Alfie for me. Don and I spent a few more minutes chatting and stuff until he left. I called him about an hour later to make sure he got home and did not run out of gas (funny story behind this).

I then promptly plunked my ass on my bed and did not move until 530 to get supper organized, then promptly plunked my ass back on my bed until 830, had a shower, Brent came to visit, he just left so I am nearly done with this update lol...

Oh and I talked to Mack tonight. All is good... He and boys were all given permission from the wives to go out. He has no idea how the night went as he lost count of drinks he consumed. Jada threw a 10lb party for Quinlan yesterday. Guess it went well, though I did not find out how the food was.

So, thats all I have to say, pretty much. I am now going to bed as I have an appointment with my addictions counselor tomorrow to deal with Mom's boyfriend and Mom, and hopefully quit smoking in the process. The addictions department of the VRH funds Champix for smokers who attend counseling and support group. As beginning a new phase in my life has become part of my resolutions this year, quitting smoking is part of that plan.

I am now finished... I need to go to sleep. I took my sleeping pill earlier, plus I am tired out from the weekend, I am now falling asleep as I type. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Until next time, enjoy and be safe.

THAT'S IT THAT'S NO MORE WAITING

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. This will be my last meeting. He is home and has been online twice to give me my fix."

He has finally arrived home and I no longer need to attend Mack-aholic meetings. I am happy to report that he managed to avoid reading by organizing study groups. Only he could do this.

The kids are all good. Quinlan is big and fat (his words not mine)...

I have a long list of chores that need attending to. I need to get my laundry in the washer, Jean's in the dryer, I have fed the duckies, checked the mail, got the tile ripper upper thingie that I need to rip up the tile in my bathroom, I need to get the exact-o-knife so I can cut a piece of flooring large enough for my bathroom, I need to sweep and scrub the bathroom floor, I need to do dishes, I need to pick up stuff that is laying around and if I have enough energy after all that is finished I am going to do a workout.

Mahalya had eye surgery today, all went well. She will not need plastic surgery, all stitches are on the inside of her eyes and they will fall out on their own.

The two people that I know who were in detox are no longer in detox. One is going back in for a 21 day program though.

Alfie is being hateful and bad. Some days I wish I didn't have a cat yet other days I could not imagine my life without him.

I am hoping to have some adult time with Don this week.

I am going to Dartmouth on Feb. 7th for the night... He is paying for the hotel room.

What else? I do believe that is it.

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-ahlic."

Til next time, enjoy and be safe.

DAYS 5,6 ,7 & 8

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I do apologize for not being here for the last few support sessions, but due to some medical tests that had to be performed, I have not been able to attend. I am having withdrawal symptoms beyond what I could imagine. As Mack is my sounding board, I have a lot of things going around and around in my head and no one to talk to. I hope to be able to talk to him tonight though it does not look promising."

The last few days have been hell around here. Between one relative and a relative's boyfriend ending up in detox, life has been hell. If that were not enough, I had to have a barium enema. This was the most horrible, miserable, disgusting and painful procedure ever. If the day before of being only on a liquid diet, and the drinking of Citro-Mag and taking Ducolex were not enough, I then spend an entire night with disgusting, explosive diarrhea. I then went to the hospital and the technician had to shove a tube up my butt into my bowels and fill me full of barium and take xrays of it all.

This was so painful. I still think that she hit something as I am in terrible pain 36 hours after the procedure.

If you are ever told you need to have one done, run, run fast, run far, run fast and rar. You never want to go through this.

The temperatures have started to fall here in the Valley. It is so cold out that I am sure the balls on a brass monkey would freeze.

I went out to feed the duckies in the pond, start the van for Jean, move the van so we could plug the block heater in but of course BDHH did something with the cable and the hood opening lever inside the van is not working properly. So, what do I do? Why I call in the troops... Or rather the troop... I call Uncle Rock. He is going to stop in tomorrow and take a look and get it figured out for us. I can change the brake pads, brake shoes, rotors, the head gasket, do an exhaust job, fill all fluids but do you think I can pop the hood?? HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

So, I am now finished with this little update. I am going to go get my laundry out of the dryer, get the space heater that is in the basement and curl up for the night.

"Hi my name is ELizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I require daily doses of him to survive."

DAY 3 AND 4

Day 3 and 4 of my withdrawal, detoxification and recovery...

Sorry can't be bothered to try and be funny. It has been a rough couple of days but thankfully my girlfriends rallied around me and helped me get my mind off of what was going on.

Until tomorrow, I am humbly yours "Elizabeth and I am a mackaholic".

DAY 2

Day 2 of detoxification and working towards the recovery

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I am currently going through detox and working towards recovery. The first day was horrible, the withdrawal symptoms were too much to bear and Mack was able to feel this confusion, utter desolation and sadness radiating from my mind, body and soul. He is currently located at CFB Boredom otherwise known as CFB Borden. He came online to give me a fix so that the withdrawal symptoms would subside enough for me to sleep. Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic."

Today I cleaned up, did laundry, cooked supper and read. I also did a 10 minute workout and will be doing another quick one before bed. I have company for the weekend and when she leaves for work on Sunday, I will be having some adult time with Don.

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic."

DAY 1

"It's your turn"

"Thank you. Hi everyone my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I am going through withdrawal and am not sure if I will be able to face life without him. He has been my source of laughter and torment for so long that 14 days may be more than I can handle."

OK... So, I have joined MA...otherwise known as Mack-aholics. I am not sure if I will survive the 12 days he will be away and the following 2 days when he will be having adult time with Jada.

Today when I got up, I cleaned up, did dishes, puttered around, did a 5 minute stretch, did my 50 girlie pushups, 50 soup can weight lifts, 50 back and arm flab soup can weight lifts, 5 minutes running on the spot, 5 minutes of step side to sides and 5 more minutes of running on the spot and 5 minute cool down, then I cleaned up a bit more and had some supper, a shower, walked to the petrocan and now I am curled up on the bed to read and listen to the television.

"I am a Mack-aholic and I require detoxification and recovery to survive the 14 days I will have to live without him and watch Cops with only Tammy. I won't even be able to tease his brother Chad, as he has gone on course with Mack. My name is Elizabeth and I AM A MACK-AHOLIC."