Went to see the Internal Medicine Specialist this week... He thinks I may have Crohns Disease... So, off I go in the next few weeks to have a Barium Enema done...Also have to do some tests with fecal matter... Yeah...Sounds like so much fun...
So, we are back to square one... Sort of... Still have no answers but hopefully we will soon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crohns_disease
Off to read a book....Til next time, be safe and enjoy.
OK, I was watching Will and Grace last week and Sir Elton John was on and the premise of the story line was was that Jack thought the Gay Mafia was after him... And Will didnt believe him... So, as the show was coming to an end and Will was at a restaurant and he was sitting behind Sir Elton John and Will had been mumbling about how the Gay Mafia was not real, etc.... So, Sir Elton John got up, turned around and said "One wrong move and this bitch'll be back"... Well, I laughed and thought, yup exactly how I feel... I can be a downright bitch when I want to be, however I, as an adult, choose to hold that part of me back... I have to because if I let myself go, there will be never be an end to my anger. I have so many people in my life who need to know just how it is I feel but that is against what I believe in. I do not believe in an eye for an eye. I choose to forgive those who have wronged me, I choose to be someone who tries not to hold a grudge however there are 3 people in my life, or were in my life, who I should have a grudge against.
Henry did not deserve me or my love. There I said it... How proud of me are you? I deserved better than what he gave me. I deserved to have at least one orgasm with him... I deserved to have him work and help support us both, instead of having my pay cheques as the only source of income. I deserved to have him help do the housework, I deserved for him to be home when I got home from work at 1am or later. I deserved better.
Mike... The one man I will forever love and will never forget. Every time I go to the City, Dartmouth, Halifax or Lower Sackville, I look at everyone in the face to see if it is the face that I will never forget, the one face that I want to place my hands around, the lips that I want to kiss, the eyes I want to drown myself in... The arms that I want to feel around me again. I need to learn how to forget him. I need to forget how his kisses curled my toes, made my eyes roll into the back of my head, how they left me breathless, how they made me want to be with him forever.
Paul...The man who I thought I had learned to love and who I thought had made me forget Mike. The man, who professed to love me, broke up with me on a Sunday and the next night asked me for some advise on what he should do about his falling in love with a married woman.
I do not know if any of the men in my life have respected me, loved me or even cared for me but I do know that each of these men have helped me be who I am... I AM A STRONG WOMAN... I can and will be someone more than they thought I was. I will demand respect in my next relationship, if I ever have another one.
Anyway, done with those thoughts and stuff.
I really need a smoke... or a coffee or something... Not sure what it is I want... I do know I need a haircut...and soon... Maybe I should do that this week. I can get a short haircut now as I am no longer in a relationship with someone who doesnt like short hair.
Yesterday Nelson came to visit... I feel so good that I do not have to hide when I see Nelson, talk to Nelson or think about Nelson. I still have a hard time understanding why Paul did not like Nelson. Nelson is one of my truest friends. Someone I did not expect to welcome into my life. At the time we met, I was not looking for a new friend, I was looking for someone to have sex with and nothing more, however life seems to have so many twists and turns that I had to learn to let Nelson into my life as a damn good friend. Someone I can talk to, rant and rave at and I know he will always be there for me.
I think I know why I am being so sentimental. On November 7th, it will mark the 9th anniversary of my grandmother passing away. I am going to be getting some flowers and going out to the cemetery this week. I want to stand there and talk to Nan and Gramp... I love and miss them so much.
Anyway, sorry McKenna that you are not mentioned again. I do not have much to say, other than I enjoy our chats and Chad is making my life amusing...As you did before you got engaged, married, pregnant, etc...
So, til next time, enjoy and be safe...
I have come to realize I need to get the hell out of this house... I am slowly beginning to hate everything... I cannot sleep at night, I am cranky during the day because I take sleeping pills at night and do not get the required amount of sleep to function... The only happy thing in my life right now is is my relationship with Cathy. I knew from the moment she walked into my life that she was going to be oh so important. She listened to me, she helped me to be a "lady", she bought me my first pair of high heels... I remember them... Beautiful grey pumps... She also taught me the facts of life... Of course this was well after I should have been taught them... but she taught them to me none-the-less.
Her and I had a slight falling out when I got married... I was never angry with her, I was angry at the fact they Henry and her could not get along well enough for me to maintain my relationship with Cathy. I did know during those few years that no matter what happened, I could always go back home to her arms and get a hug. She is such an amazing woman. She is someone I desperately needed at the age of 8 or 9. She cared about me, she took interest in the same things I was interested in, being a bookworm around her was just fine, being able to have an intelligent conversation with someone was amazing and believe me we have had many intelligent conversations. She loved and loves me for who and what I am not for who and what I could be. My outer appearance did not matter to her... She helped me to be a "lady" even when I was overweight.
At 33, having such an amazing role model for 25 years makes me so filled with love and an overwhelming sense of security and personal confidence that at times being able to express myself to her is not able to be done. She will never know just how much her love and support has meant to me. I could never repay her enough for that.
Cathy and I have had so many good times... When I first moved to Ottawa to be with her, she told her friends Nicki and Mike, who owned The Pheonix (a local bar) that when I was there alone they were to take care of me. Many a night I would go there by myself, have a few drinks (on a tab of course) and I would always feel secure and comfortable because I knew that these 2 people were looking out for me.
We have such an amazing relationship. I know no matter how low or high I feel, all I have to do is pick up the phone and she will be there for me. This past week has been hard for me. My mind won't shut down at night nor will my thoughts shut up. I keep going over and over in my head what I did wrong to make Paul not love me, what did I do to lose him, was it all my fault, does he have any part in the blame... All I think about is Paul, Mike and Henry... Three men and 3 screwed up relationships. I just don't know what to do or how to get them out of my mind. Maybe I will only ever be a mistress... Maybe what I need to do is find myself a rich, married man and let him take care of me for the rest of my life. I will never have children so it wouldn't matter if he already has some or that he is already married... My thoughts are convoluted right now and nothing makes sense anymore.
The weather is changing to winter coldness and I am finding it hard to be happy and uplifting right now... Maybe what I need to do is go for a tan and get warm from the outside in... I have no idea anymore..
Maybe tomorrow I will smile, maybe tomorrow I will pretend all is right in my world, maybe tomorrow will be the day that I realize what it is I want and need in my life. til then, enjoy and be safe... I am going out for supper with one of the 2 truest friends I have ever had.
It has been far too long since I updated my blog last... A lot of things have happened and summer has come to an end in the process.
I received my divorce papers, went out and celebrated, drank far too much, fell down on my ass and hurt my ankle... Still think it is broken (probably should go for those x-rays that Dr. Hottie said I should have done)... Woke up the next morning with a hangover to rival all hangovers... I had company arriving at 7 or so that morning and I was sick... Oh so sick... I have learned however that I am not allowed to go out drinking with my friend Tanya as it is always her fault I drink too much and do things I would not normally do sober or with a little alcohol. That Monday I went to outpatients because I was still not able to walk... Dr. on call said it was sprained however by the following Monday I was still in a lot of pain and not walking very well, and since I had an appointment with Dr. Salazar to get some refills on some drugs, I thought I would talk to him about the foot as well... And as plans go, these were nixed as I woke up with a bad ass case of bronchitis... So, saw Dr. S (from here on out to be commonly referred to as Dr. Hottie)... and he put me on the nebulizer for a while... Sent me home with some drugs... antibiotics and steroids...
That Wednesday I had to go to peace bond court hearing against BDHH... The judge laughed at him when he accused me of stealing his box of money that his lawyer mailed out to him... I got my peace bond and my friend Jean rushed me to emerg. There I saw Dr. Goddard and he gave me a couple of shots of morphine for my headache and told me to take my puffers every 30 minutes until my breathing got under control... Off to home I go... The next evening I started coughing and coughed for 2 hours...until my mommy rushed me to emerg. again where I was told that I had the "sniffles" and that I was a drug seeker... So, back home I went...
The next day I had to go get my driver's license switched over to my maiden name as it was the final thing to do to take back my true identity...I sat for nearly 2 hours to spend 25.00 to get the same damn picture on my license...But I am now officially Elizabeth Dorene Munroe once again...
Then off to grocery shopping I went... That was fun since walking was an activity that was still hard to do as I was still not feeling well.
Then I spent the weekend relaxing and on Monday I went to Dr. Hottie's office again as I had to get my B12 shot but decided to wait and see Dr. Hottie as a walk in as I was still not feeling well... Of course he put me back on antibiotics and steroids for a while longer...got my b12 shot and went to the bargain shop called mom, she picked me up in W'ville... Went to Lawtons, dropped off my drugs and waited for them to be delivered...
On Thursday I called my mom and had her take me to get some buckleys...I drank the whole bottle by Friday evening and Saturday I woke up feeling alive... Like I could function finally... Thankfully by the other day I was feeling well enough to work the elections...
Yesterday I slept all day and today I am going to clean... As I have company coming tomorrow for a couple of hours and company coming Saturday night for the night... Saturday night will show Don just how much I love hockey as it is the Battle of Alberta... and that is all I am going to say about hockey...I am thoroughly disgusted with my boys.
So, now I must discuss McKenna as he will only scan the above until he sees his name... Jada is doing OK though she's had some bumps in the road lately... I am certain all is well...but she is on bed rest for a while.
Chad added me to his msn...oh wait.. Chad...cute smile...chatter...Mack's brother...I laughed til I had tears in my eyes when I saw his invite pop up.
So, what else? I think that is everything...
Oh, while I was ill I got rid of my futon and acquired a loveseat... I got rid of my desk and computer chair... Cleaned the apartment... I decided that if I was going to be here for a few more months, I was going to make certain it was clean and no longer this disgusting pig pen I was living in... So, clean and declutter I did.
Ummm...I do believe that is all... So, til next time, take time to enjoy a refreshing cup of coffee or a soothing cup of tea.
