PLEASE HOLD UP MY HEART GIVE ME A REASON FOR THIS SILENCE

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise winter? Here it is nearly the 1st of March and we are expecting 50cm of snow beginning Sunday but only after we get 20mm of rain tomorrow... I will be so glad when this winter is over.

Today my grandmother would have been 70 years old if she had not of died from cancer nearly 10 years ago. I miss her so much that my heart breaks thinking of never being able to talk to her again, or having another game of cards with her. No matter how hard I tried I could not beat her at crib, I once had nearly the perfect hand playing against her. She was such a great person and so loving towards a little girl who needed to be loved.

She told me there was nothing she would not tell me if I asked her. So, I got brave one night and asked her who my real father was. She gave me his name and my grandfather said "I should have shot the son of a bitch when I had the chance". It was at that moment I realized that I did not need this man in my life was only a sperm donor. I had many great role models and this unknown man could not offer me anything as all the other male role models in my life gave me everything I needed or wanted.

I saw the eye doctor today... Apparently everything is "OK"... I guess I am stuck with asking Dr. Hottie next week to find out what the eye doctor discovered...

I do not have to have treatment on my female parts, so that's good news.

Mack is away for a while... He had to go to CFB Shearwater for something or other... I try not to ask questions so that way I do not forget anything he says that may be important...lol...

Well I am off to make popcorn and curl up to watch tv for a while... Til next time enjoy and be safe...

HMMM... WILL WINTER EVER END IN NOVA SCOTIA???

I hate winter... Especially when winter blah-ness attacks my emotions and drives me into a depression that I have no control over. At least I now recognize when I am depressed. And, I am forever grateful for knowing when I am reaching my depressed state and know how to handle those crazy thoughts that come with it. At one time I was so depressed that suicide was my only viable option. I am now of course thankful that I did not take the easy way out. I fought and clawed my way through that bad time in my life. I know a lot of people say that they are depressed but in my opinion, you are not depressed unless you have had to fight and claw your way back to happiness... You are not depressed unless you have had to depend on drugs to make you happy.

Last night I was so far down in my depression that I finally decided to do an extra workout and once those endorphins kicked in, oh yeah I was feeling good. Finally I had a smile on my face and was laughing.

There is not a whole lot going on in my life right now other than fighting my depression. I am excited that I do not have to have colon surgery, though next week I will find out if I have to go for surgery on my female parts. I have made the adult decision that if I do have to have cervical treatment I will be asking Dr. Tynski to take it all out. If I have no intentions of having babies so why should I have the parts? Makes total sense to me.

I am hoping to be asleep tonight before 3am. Lately I have been staying awake until 3 or later each night and then sleeping until well after half the day is gone. Wednesday I have to be up early and on the bus for 0730 as I need to have blood work done and then I have a breathing test I have to have done at 0930. So I probably should take my sleeping pills now and hope to fall asleep. I do have 3 more things to do before I do that. I need to do my girlie pushups, my behind the head pullups and send off my good morning email to Don.

So, until next time, enjoy and be safe.

IT'S A STRUGGLE TO FACE EACH DAY

Each day brings another moment of anguish with it. Today I realized I face yet another Valentine's Day alone. So many times I have heard women say "oh my husband, boyfriend, whatever couldn't get me flowers because he spent so much money on my new bauble"... Every time I think to myself "Hey at least you got something." Even when I was married I didn't so much as receive a fucking card from Henry. No wrong sorry, one year he did buy me a card but wrote in it that I was being a hateful bitch and that I needed to change my attitude. I think that Valentine's Day was the worst. I threw it in his face and said "thanks but no thank you." And then left to go to work for extra shifts. Figured I might as well be at work doing something constructive than be at home with a man who couldn't even be bothered to pick me a flower let alone buy me one.

I hate Valentine's Day for so many reasons. I think it is a stupid holiday made up to scam people into thinking that true love exists when true love is just a state of mind people believe they are in in order to have an excuse to scam their partners into spending money that they don't need to spend.

I am a cynical bitch these days. I no longer give a damn about anyone or anything. I realized that my mother is never going to love me and if she can't love me then no one can. I of course despise myself deep down inside where I hide all of my feelings. I smile so that people don't realize that I am an empty shell inside where a warm heart used to exist. I have nothing to give to anyone. I fake through each day, I run away when people are asking things of me that I have no way of giving.

All I can see for the future is more of the same. Being treated as an outcast by my family and being treated as nothing more than a piece of trash by the men that I gave everything I had to give. Hell if my real father couldn't be bothered to be around why should I expect the men I love to stick around, right?

As I am sitting here rereading what I have typed so far, I don't even feel so much as a single tear blinding my eye. That tells me that I no longer have the ability to love or care for anyone.

Probably wouldn't be the best time for me to get drunk, eh? Drinking seems to be the only time I actually feel happy instead of appearing to be happy. But, since my drinking buddy is no longer a part of my life, I can't even drink.

Life's a bitch eh? People say that life goes on but sometimes you just exist rather move forward. I can't seem to shake this god awful feeling that I am going to have to confront my past. Henry? Mike? Paul? I hope they are all very happy with their new women. After all they all left me with nothing more inside then the empty shell. I am no longer a warmhearted person. I hate everything.

Hey, on the good front, the last time I felt this badly about me, life and shit, I nearly committed suicide but I don't feel that way today. I just feel empty inside.

Who ever said that life was going to be full of roses was dead wrong. Roses represent love and happiness... Bullshit... Neither exist. I am hanging on with every ounce of strength I have but running away has its merits right now. I want to run and hide, not come out until the sun shines on my soul again.

I certainly hope that all of you who are suckered into believing that love exists, have a great Valentine's Day. For me, I am going to hide away from the real world.

Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

TANYA, ONLY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ASKED SO SWEETLY

OK... I wonder where to start... Ummm... Let me think... This past couple of weeks have been pure hell... From one thing to another, I am not sure how I am still functioning. My B12 levels dropped, I was cranky, irritable, absolutely stupid in the head, I went 5 days without adequate sleep, just generally having a bad health week.

I saw Dr. Hottie last week, got the B12 I so desperately needed, ummm medication refills required and necessary to survive and then we moved on to the "test from hell" results.

It seems that the issues that I have had for nearly my whole life (after careful thought, I have had these issues since I was a teenager) seem to actually have something nothing to do with my diabetes **JUMPS UP AND DOWN**... Everything gets blamed on the diabetes. I have a redundant colon (colon is longer than it should be) and I have diverticulitis (a pouch has formed on the outside of the colon)... All this means I have chronic constipation with can result in constant diarrhea. The only resolution to the problem is to have the redundant colon and diverticulum removed.

As much fun as it seems to have these issues resolved, I am scared to death to have surgery. I am not going to start worrying about it now. I see Dr. Stern on Friday and I will have the full story and full scoop on what is going to be done.

I escaped from reality and went to Dartmouth for the night last night. I went down with Jellybean and Jen. We of course found our way to Night Magic before we went anywhere else in the City. I did quite well with spending money there. I got 2 items that came to less than 20.00 **pats self on back**... We then went over to Dartmouth Crossing.

Dartmouth Crossing has grown exponentially since I moved home to the Valley. It is built like a neighborhood of houses. Two way streets, sidewalks, it reminds me of Annapolis Royal. By the time we finished in there, we realized we were short on time... Jellybean scooted me to Sobeys on Primrose. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I did not run into anyone I knew. Though as we were driving down Highfield Park Drive I did look at the face of every man I saw. Sick and sad, I know.

When we were done at Sobeys, they scooted me to The Ramada, where I waited for an hour and half for Don to arrive so he could check me into the hotel. We puttered around a while. He left to do the supper thing and my cousin Tanya came over... We had coffee together and a few good laughs. Love you girl. Then he came back, we puttered around a while longer. He went home, I stayed at the hotel, relaxed, drank a bottle of wine, eventually fell asleep around 4. Got up at 10, showered, caffeinated myself, ate a blood orange, finished getting ready to come home.

Waited til 1055 or so for Don to come back and check me out (hahaa) and he could drive me home. We had a nice drive home. Seemed like it only took 10 minutes rather than an hour. He took me out for lunch, got back here just as Tammy was leaving (she stayed and babysat Jean, Toby and Alfie for me. Don and I spent a few more minutes chatting and stuff until he left. I called him about an hour later to make sure he got home and did not run out of gas (funny story behind this).

I then promptly plunked my ass on my bed and did not move until 530 to get supper organized, then promptly plunked my ass back on my bed until 830, had a shower, Brent came to visit, he just left so I am nearly done with this update lol...

Oh and I talked to Mack tonight. All is good... He and boys were all given permission from the wives to go out. He has no idea how the night went as he lost count of drinks he consumed. Jada threw a 10lb party for Quinlan yesterday. Guess it went well, though I did not find out how the food was.

So, thats all I have to say, pretty much. I am now going to bed as I have an appointment with my addictions counselor tomorrow to deal with Mom's boyfriend and Mom, and hopefully quit smoking in the process. The addictions department of the VRH funds Champix for smokers who attend counseling and support group. As beginning a new phase in my life has become part of my resolutions this year, quitting smoking is part of that plan.

I am now finished... I need to go to sleep. I took my sleeping pill earlier, plus I am tired out from the weekend, I am now falling asleep as I type. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Until next time, enjoy and be safe.