"ONE WRONG STEP AND THIS BITCH'LL BE BACK"

OK, I was watching Will and Grace last week and Sir Elton John was on and the premise of the story line was was that Jack thought the Gay Mafia was after him... And Will didnt believe him... So, as the show was coming to an end and Will was at a restaurant and he was sitting behind Sir Elton John and Will had been mumbling about how the Gay Mafia was not real, etc.... So, Sir Elton John got up, turned around and said "One wrong move and this bitch'll be back"... Well, I laughed and thought, yup exactly how I feel... I can be a downright bitch when I want to be, however I, as an adult, choose to hold that part of me back... I have to because if I let myself go, there will be never be an end to my anger. I have so many people in my life who need to know just how it is I feel but that is against what I believe in. I do not believe in an eye for an eye. I choose to forgive those who have wronged me, I choose to be someone who tries not to hold a grudge however there are 3 people in my life, or were in my life, who I should have a grudge against.

Henry did not deserve me or my love. There I said it... How proud of me are you? I deserved better than what he gave me. I deserved to have at least one orgasm with him... I deserved to have him work and help support us both, instead of having my pay cheques as the only source of income. I deserved to have him help do the housework, I deserved for him to be home when I got home from work at 1am or later. I deserved better.

Mike... The one man I will forever love and will never forget. Every time I go to the City, Dartmouth, Halifax or Lower Sackville, I look at everyone in the face to see if it is the face that I will never forget, the one face that I want to place my hands around, the lips that I want to kiss, the eyes I want to drown myself in... The arms that I want to feel around me again. I need to learn how to forget him. I need to forget how his kisses curled my toes, made my eyes roll into the back of my head, how they left me breathless, how they made me want to be with him forever.

Paul...The man who I thought I had learned to love and who I thought had made me forget Mike. The man, who professed to love me, broke up with me on a Sunday and the next night asked me for some advise on what he should do about his falling in love with a married woman.

I do not know if any of the men in my life have respected me, loved me or even cared for me but I do know that each of these men have helped me be who I am... I AM A STRONG WOMAN... I can and will be someone more than they thought I was. I will demand respect in my next relationship, if I ever have another one.

Anyway, done with those thoughts and stuff.

I really need a smoke... or a coffee or something... Not sure what it is I want... I do know I need a haircut...and soon... Maybe I should do that this week. I can get a short haircut now as I am no longer in a relationship with someone who doesnt like short hair.

Yesterday Nelson came to visit... I feel so good that I do not have to hide when I see Nelson, talk to Nelson or think about Nelson. I still have a hard time understanding why Paul did not like Nelson. Nelson is one of my truest friends. Someone I did not expect to welcome into my life. At the time we met, I was not looking for a new friend, I was looking for someone to have sex with and nothing more, however life seems to have so many twists and turns that I had to learn to let Nelson into my life as a damn good friend. Someone I can talk to, rant and rave at and I know he will always be there for me.

I think I know why I am being so sentimental. On November 7th, it will mark the 9th anniversary of my grandmother passing away. I am going to be getting some flowers and going out to the cemetery this week. I want to stand there and talk to Nan and Gramp... I love and miss them so much.

Anyway, sorry McKenna that you are not mentioned again. I do not have much to say, other than I enjoy our chats and Chad is making my life amusing...As you did before you got engaged, married, pregnant, etc...

So, til next time, enjoy and be safe...