NOT WORTH YOUR TIME MACK...YOU WERE NOT MENTIONED...SORRY

I have come to realize I need to get the hell out of this house... I am slowly beginning to hate everything... I cannot sleep at night, I am cranky during the day because I take sleeping pills at night and do not get the required amount of sleep to function... The only happy thing in my life right now is is my relationship with Cathy. I knew from the moment she walked into my life that she was going to be oh so important. She listened to me, she helped me to be a "lady", she bought me my first pair of high heels... I remember them... Beautiful grey pumps... She also taught me the facts of life... Of course this was well after I should have been taught them... but she taught them to me none-the-less.

Her and I had a slight falling out when I got married... I was never angry with her, I was angry at the fact they Henry and her could not get along well enough for me to maintain my relationship with Cathy. I did know during those few years that no matter what happened, I could always go back home to her arms and get a hug. She is such an amazing woman. She is someone I desperately needed at the age of 8 or 9. She cared about me, she took interest in the same things I was interested in, being a bookworm around her was just fine, being able to have an intelligent conversation with someone was amazing and believe me we have had many intelligent conversations. She loved and loves me for who and what I am not for who and what I could be. My outer appearance did not matter to her... She helped me to be a "lady" even when I was overweight.

At 33, having such an amazing role model for 25 years makes me so filled with love and an overwhelming sense of security and personal confidence that at times being able to express myself to her is not able to be done. She will never know just how much her love and support has meant to me. I could never repay her enough for that.

Cathy and I have had so many good times... When I first moved to Ottawa to be with her, she told her friends Nicki and Mike, who owned The Pheonix (a local bar) that when I was there alone they were to take care of me. Many a night I would go there by myself, have a few drinks (on a tab of course) and I would always feel secure and comfortable because I knew that these 2 people were looking out for me.

We have such an amazing relationship. I know no matter how low or high I feel, all I have to do is pick up the phone and she will be there for me. This past week has been hard for me. My mind won't shut down at night nor will my thoughts shut up. I keep going over and over in my head what I did wrong to make Paul not love me, what did I do to lose him, was it all my fault, does he have any part in the blame... All I think about is Paul, Mike and Henry... Three men and 3 screwed up relationships. I just don't know what to do or how to get them out of my mind. Maybe I will only ever be a mistress... Maybe what I need to do is find myself a rich, married man and let him take care of me for the rest of my life. I will never have children so it wouldn't matter if he already has some or that he is already married... My thoughts are convoluted right now and nothing makes sense anymore.

The weather is changing to winter coldness and I am finding it hard to be happy and uplifting right now... Maybe what I need to do is go for a tan and get warm from the outside in... I have no idea anymore..

Maybe tomorrow I will smile, maybe tomorrow I will pretend all is right in my world, maybe tomorrow will be the day that I realize what it is I want and need in my life. til then, enjoy and be safe... I am going out for supper with one of the 2 truest friends I have ever had.