IT'S A STRUGGLE TO FACE EACH DAY

Each day brings another moment of anguish with it. Today I realized I face yet another Valentine's Day alone. So many times I have heard women say "oh my husband, boyfriend, whatever couldn't get me flowers because he spent so much money on my new bauble"... Every time I think to myself "Hey at least you got something." Even when I was married I didn't so much as receive a fucking card from Henry. No wrong sorry, one year he did buy me a card but wrote in it that I was being a hateful bitch and that I needed to change my attitude. I think that Valentine's Day was the worst. I threw it in his face and said "thanks but no thank you." And then left to go to work for extra shifts. Figured I might as well be at work doing something constructive than be at home with a man who couldn't even be bothered to pick me a flower let alone buy me one.

I hate Valentine's Day for so many reasons. I think it is a stupid holiday made up to scam people into thinking that true love exists when true love is just a state of mind people believe they are in in order to have an excuse to scam their partners into spending money that they don't need to spend.

I am a cynical bitch these days. I no longer give a damn about anyone or anything. I realized that my mother is never going to love me and if she can't love me then no one can. I of course despise myself deep down inside where I hide all of my feelings. I smile so that people don't realize that I am an empty shell inside where a warm heart used to exist. I have nothing to give to anyone. I fake through each day, I run away when people are asking things of me that I have no way of giving.

All I can see for the future is more of the same. Being treated as an outcast by my family and being treated as nothing more than a piece of trash by the men that I gave everything I had to give. Hell if my real father couldn't be bothered to be around why should I expect the men I love to stick around, right?

As I am sitting here rereading what I have typed so far, I don't even feel so much as a single tear blinding my eye. That tells me that I no longer have the ability to love or care for anyone.

Probably wouldn't be the best time for me to get drunk, eh? Drinking seems to be the only time I actually feel happy instead of appearing to be happy. But, since my drinking buddy is no longer a part of my life, I can't even drink.

Life's a bitch eh? People say that life goes on but sometimes you just exist rather move forward. I can't seem to shake this god awful feeling that I am going to have to confront my past. Henry? Mike? Paul? I hope they are all very happy with their new women. After all they all left me with nothing more inside then the empty shell. I am no longer a warmhearted person. I hate everything.

Hey, on the good front, the last time I felt this badly about me, life and shit, I nearly committed suicide but I don't feel that way today. I just feel empty inside.

Who ever said that life was going to be full of roses was dead wrong. Roses represent love and happiness... Bullshit... Neither exist. I am hanging on with every ounce of strength I have but running away has its merits right now. I want to run and hide, not come out until the sun shines on my soul again.

I certainly hope that all of you who are suckered into believing that love exists, have a great Valentine's Day. For me, I am going to hide away from the real world.

Til next time, be safe and enjoy.

TANYA, ONLY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ASKED SO SWEETLY

OK... I wonder where to start... Ummm... Let me think... This past couple of weeks have been pure hell... From one thing to another, I am not sure how I am still functioning. My B12 levels dropped, I was cranky, irritable, absolutely stupid in the head, I went 5 days without adequate sleep, just generally having a bad health week.

I saw Dr. Hottie last week, got the B12 I so desperately needed, ummm medication refills required and necessary to survive and then we moved on to the "test from hell" results.

It seems that the issues that I have had for nearly my whole life (after careful thought, I have had these issues since I was a teenager) seem to actually have something nothing to do with my diabetes **JUMPS UP AND DOWN**... Everything gets blamed on the diabetes. I have a redundant colon (colon is longer than it should be) and I have diverticulitis (a pouch has formed on the outside of the colon)... All this means I have chronic constipation with can result in constant diarrhea. The only resolution to the problem is to have the redundant colon and diverticulum removed.

As much fun as it seems to have these issues resolved, I am scared to death to have surgery. I am not going to start worrying about it now. I see Dr. Stern on Friday and I will have the full story and full scoop on what is going to be done.

I escaped from reality and went to Dartmouth for the night last night. I went down with Jellybean and Jen. We of course found our way to Night Magic before we went anywhere else in the City. I did quite well with spending money there. I got 2 items that came to less than 20.00 **pats self on back**... We then went over to Dartmouth Crossing.

Dartmouth Crossing has grown exponentially since I moved home to the Valley. It is built like a neighborhood of houses. Two way streets, sidewalks, it reminds me of Annapolis Royal. By the time we finished in there, we realized we were short on time... Jellybean scooted me to Sobeys on Primrose. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I did not run into anyone I knew. Though as we were driving down Highfield Park Drive I did look at the face of every man I saw. Sick and sad, I know.

When we were done at Sobeys, they scooted me to The Ramada, where I waited for an hour and half for Don to arrive so he could check me into the hotel. We puttered around a while. He left to do the supper thing and my cousin Tanya came over... We had coffee together and a few good laughs. Love you girl. Then he came back, we puttered around a while longer. He went home, I stayed at the hotel, relaxed, drank a bottle of wine, eventually fell asleep around 4. Got up at 10, showered, caffeinated myself, ate a blood orange, finished getting ready to come home.

Waited til 1055 or so for Don to come back and check me out (hahaa) and he could drive me home. We had a nice drive home. Seemed like it only took 10 minutes rather than an hour. He took me out for lunch, got back here just as Tammy was leaving (she stayed and babysat Jean, Toby and Alfie for me. Don and I spent a few more minutes chatting and stuff until he left. I called him about an hour later to make sure he got home and did not run out of gas (funny story behind this).

I then promptly plunked my ass on my bed and did not move until 530 to get supper organized, then promptly plunked my ass back on my bed until 830, had a shower, Brent came to visit, he just left so I am nearly done with this update lol...

Oh and I talked to Mack tonight. All is good... He and boys were all given permission from the wives to go out. He has no idea how the night went as he lost count of drinks he consumed. Jada threw a 10lb party for Quinlan yesterday. Guess it went well, though I did not find out how the food was.

So, thats all I have to say, pretty much. I am now going to bed as I have an appointment with my addictions counselor tomorrow to deal with Mom's boyfriend and Mom, and hopefully quit smoking in the process. The addictions department of the VRH funds Champix for smokers who attend counseling and support group. As beginning a new phase in my life has become part of my resolutions this year, quitting smoking is part of that plan.

I am now finished... I need to go to sleep. I took my sleeping pill earlier, plus I am tired out from the weekend, I am now falling asleep as I type. Can hardly keep my eyes open. Until next time, enjoy and be safe.

THAT'S IT THAT'S NO MORE WAITING

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. This will be my last meeting. He is home and has been online twice to give me my fix."

He has finally arrived home and I no longer need to attend Mack-aholic meetings. I am happy to report that he managed to avoid reading by organizing study groups. Only he could do this.

The kids are all good. Quinlan is big and fat (his words not mine)...

I have a long list of chores that need attending to. I need to get my laundry in the washer, Jean's in the dryer, I have fed the duckies, checked the mail, got the tile ripper upper thingie that I need to rip up the tile in my bathroom, I need to get the exact-o-knife so I can cut a piece of flooring large enough for my bathroom, I need to sweep and scrub the bathroom floor, I need to do dishes, I need to pick up stuff that is laying around and if I have enough energy after all that is finished I am going to do a workout.

Mahalya had eye surgery today, all went well. She will not need plastic surgery, all stitches are on the inside of her eyes and they will fall out on their own.

The two people that I know who were in detox are no longer in detox. One is going back in for a 21 day program though.

Alfie is being hateful and bad. Some days I wish I didn't have a cat yet other days I could not imagine my life without him.

I am hoping to have some adult time with Don this week.

I am going to Dartmouth on Feb. 7th for the night... He is paying for the hotel room.

What else? I do believe that is it.

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-ahlic."

Til next time, enjoy and be safe.

DAYS 5,6 ,7 & 8

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I do apologize for not being here for the last few support sessions, but due to some medical tests that had to be performed, I have not been able to attend. I am having withdrawal symptoms beyond what I could imagine. As Mack is my sounding board, I have a lot of things going around and around in my head and no one to talk to. I hope to be able to talk to him tonight though it does not look promising."

The last few days have been hell around here. Between one relative and a relative's boyfriend ending up in detox, life has been hell. If that were not enough, I had to have a barium enema. This was the most horrible, miserable, disgusting and painful procedure ever. If the day before of being only on a liquid diet, and the drinking of Citro-Mag and taking Ducolex were not enough, I then spend an entire night with disgusting, explosive diarrhea. I then went to the hospital and the technician had to shove a tube up my butt into my bowels and fill me full of barium and take xrays of it all.

This was so painful. I still think that she hit something as I am in terrible pain 36 hours after the procedure.

If you are ever told you need to have one done, run, run fast, run far, run fast and rar. You never want to go through this.

The temperatures have started to fall here in the Valley. It is so cold out that I am sure the balls on a brass monkey would freeze.

I went out to feed the duckies in the pond, start the van for Jean, move the van so we could plug the block heater in but of course BDHH did something with the cable and the hood opening lever inside the van is not working properly. So, what do I do? Why I call in the troops... Or rather the troop... I call Uncle Rock. He is going to stop in tomorrow and take a look and get it figured out for us. I can change the brake pads, brake shoes, rotors, the head gasket, do an exhaust job, fill all fluids but do you think I can pop the hood?? HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

So, I am now finished with this little update. I am going to go get my laundry out of the dryer, get the space heater that is in the basement and curl up for the night.

"Hi my name is ELizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I require daily doses of him to survive."

DAY 3 AND 4

Day 3 and 4 of my withdrawal, detoxification and recovery...

Sorry can't be bothered to try and be funny. It has been a rough couple of days but thankfully my girlfriends rallied around me and helped me get my mind off of what was going on.

Until tomorrow, I am humbly yours "Elizabeth and I am a mackaholic".

DAY 2

Day 2 of detoxification and working towards the recovery

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I am currently going through detox and working towards recovery. The first day was horrible, the withdrawal symptoms were too much to bear and Mack was able to feel this confusion, utter desolation and sadness radiating from my mind, body and soul. He is currently located at CFB Boredom otherwise known as CFB Borden. He came online to give me a fix so that the withdrawal symptoms would subside enough for me to sleep. Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic."

Today I cleaned up, did laundry, cooked supper and read. I also did a 10 minute workout and will be doing another quick one before bed. I have company for the weekend and when she leaves for work on Sunday, I will be having some adult time with Don.

"Hi my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic."

DAY 1

"It's your turn"

"Thank you. Hi everyone my name is Elizabeth and I am a Mack-aholic. I am going through withdrawal and am not sure if I will be able to face life without him. He has been my source of laughter and torment for so long that 14 days may be more than I can handle."

OK... So, I have joined MA...otherwise known as Mack-aholics. I am not sure if I will survive the 12 days he will be away and the following 2 days when he will be having adult time with Jada.

Today when I got up, I cleaned up, did dishes, puttered around, did a 5 minute stretch, did my 50 girlie pushups, 50 soup can weight lifts, 50 back and arm flab soup can weight lifts, 5 minutes running on the spot, 5 minutes of step side to sides and 5 more minutes of running on the spot and 5 minute cool down, then I cleaned up a bit more and had some supper, a shower, walked to the petrocan and now I am curled up on the bed to read and listen to the television.

"I am a Mack-aholic and I require detoxification and recovery to survive the 14 days I will have to live without him and watch Cops with only Tammy. I won't even be able to tease his brother Chad, as he has gone on course with Mack. My name is Elizabeth and I AM A MACK-AHOLIC."