IT'S A STRUGGLE TO FACE EACH DAY

Each day brings another moment of anguish with it. Today I realized I face yet another Valentine's Day alone. So many times I have heard women say "oh my husband, boyfriend, whatever couldn't get me flowers because he spent so much money on my new bauble"... Every time I think to myself "Hey at least you got something." Even when I was married I didn't so much as receive a fucking card from Henry. No wrong sorry, one year he did buy me a card but wrote in it that I was being a hateful bitch and that I needed to change my attitude. I think that Valentine's Day was the worst. I threw it in his face and said "thanks but no thank you." And then left to go to work for extra shifts. Figured I might as well be at work doing something constructive than be at home with a man who couldn't even be bothered to pick me a flower let alone buy me one.

I hate Valentine's Day for so many reasons. I think it is a stupid holiday made up to scam people into thinking that true love exists when true love is just a state of mind people believe they are in in order to have an excuse to scam their partners into spending money that they don't need to spend.

I am a cynical bitch these days. I no longer give a damn about anyone or anything. I realized that my mother is never going to love me and if she can't love me then no one can. I of course despise myself deep down inside where I hide all of my feelings. I smile so that people don't realize that I am an empty shell inside where a warm heart used to exist. I have nothing to give to anyone. I fake through each day, I run away when people are asking things of me that I have no way of giving.

All I can see for the future is more of the same. Being treated as an outcast by my family and being treated as nothing more than a piece of trash by the men that I gave everything I had to give. Hell if my real father couldn't be bothered to be around why should I expect the men I love to stick around, right?

As I am sitting here rereading what I have typed so far, I don't even feel so much as a single tear blinding my eye. That tells me that I no longer have the ability to love or care for anyone.

Probably wouldn't be the best time for me to get drunk, eh? Drinking seems to be the only time I actually feel happy instead of appearing to be happy. But, since my drinking buddy is no longer a part of my life, I can't even drink.

Life's a bitch eh? People say that life goes on but sometimes you just exist rather move forward. I can't seem to shake this god awful feeling that I am going to have to confront my past. Henry? Mike? Paul? I hope they are all very happy with their new women. After all they all left me with nothing more inside then the empty shell. I am no longer a warmhearted person. I hate everything.

Hey, on the good front, the last time I felt this badly about me, life and shit, I nearly committed suicide but I don't feel that way today. I just feel empty inside.

Who ever said that life was going to be full of roses was dead wrong. Roses represent love and happiness... Bullshit... Neither exist. I am hanging on with every ounce of strength I have but running away has its merits right now. I want to run and hide, not come out until the sun shines on my soul again.

I certainly hope that all of you who are suckered into believing that love exists, have a great Valentine's Day. For me, I am going to hide away from the real world.

Til next time, be safe and enjoy.